Friday, December 12, 2003

Marriage & Lost Highway

I've spent so many of the last few months' moments part angry at Katy, part solemn and dumbed, part effervescent and excited about new futures but without really talking through with any one of my friends what Katy & I meant or means to me and to be honest without talking this through with myself. It's gone so long since with so little said, vocally or silently in writing or in words, that it's perhaps begun to feel that it might actually mean nothing. I'm so estranged from her now, drifted, after three years in each other's company almost every day, the division is maybe necessary (relationships inevitably lead to some messy fusing together of both into one thing bigger than itself) and I finally feel myself starting to form. What doesn't help is my laziness or creative ennui and my inability to talk, hardened like the angles of a door by Scotland's unspoken currencies: guilt & taciturnity.

I've just found a couple of presents Katy bought me last Christmas I believe; the truth is I can't remember, they may be old birthday presents. I'm awful at giving presents, almost always buy for the other person something that I would like to use myself. And to be honest when forced by the convention of dates to buy me a present Katy could be woeful too, not that it mattered what she bought me so long as she was there to buy it, but these are startling as a kind of unearthed artifact of something thought lost, something forgotten. I miss her you can tell, this post isn't for anyone to read but you've read this far without that knowledge so continue, I'm sure she doesn't miss me but this isn't a call for autopsy or engagement. Just in case you're reading, Katy, take care of yourself, we did love each other, that was something huh?, and I won't lie and say that's enough, "...better to have loved and lost..." gah, it's plainly not but you can know now and it's here to read: I don't think I will ever stop caring for you, that doesn't matter, I'll love again, but you should know it. Thank you for the presents (David Harsent's Marriage & Lost Highway).